It’s about four months into 2016 and all those feelings from 2015 are long gone. We’ve got a whole new set of feelings and songs to set our meals to, and I thought it was finally time to acknowledge them. Yup, I’m making this songs to listen to as you eat your feelings thing a regular feature, so rejoice and get some snacks ready — even if it’s a giant chocolate fountain you set your face under while you think about your troubles or the jackass who hacked your Spotify account and is listening to K-Pop on it. (True story, WTF Spotify?)
How does my Spotify hacker love Korn, K-Pop, and Mozart? Hasn’t the radio just played all of Taylor Swift’s 1989 already? What does it say about Gwen Stefani that her Blake Shelton love song is doing better than her Gavin Rossdale heartbreak one? It’s only April and music has me thinking a lot of things. So let’s keep our feelings in check below.
1“Do You Remember” By Jarryd James
I stumbled upon this good ol’ moody “fuck you, past” tune during a “let’s test the Spotify waters” playlist exploration. It happens, and there’s often a reward like this song, which will have you asking yourself (as James sings), “Do you remember the things it let you feel?”
And when you do, pair it all the chips/crisps you can. Crush ’em out of anger if you need to and hear that satisfying crunch. As James sings, “No one needs to know.”
2“No” By Meghan Trainor
The “All About That Bass” singer is still around, folks, and she’s got this feminist anthem about turning down a persistent dude who thinks he’s the hottest shit around. The only thing missing from the song is all the accusations that you’re a “dumb lesbian” from the shitheads you say “no” to, even though you are not dumb nor a lesbian. Isn’t using homosexuality as an insult seriously not cool anymore? I think they missed the memo.
Pair it with a drinks date with a real man who is mature and actually respects you.
3“Stole The Show” By Kygo
Personally, I’m eating my feelings to this song because it’s my least favorite Kygo song and it’s a huge hit. (Entertainment Tonight featured it one night. That’s how big it is). I prefer “Firestone” which is my No. 1 song crush of 2015, but I’m in my 30s, so what do I know about music anymore? (I do know that concerts are LOUD!)
Pair it with some leftovers and wonder why “Firestone” never caught on.
4“New Romantics” By Taylor Swift
The Millennial squad leader has released the bona fide millennial theme song and it’s catchy as hell. But the video is basically all tour footage and only viewable on Apple Music. You’re SOL if you use any other streaming service if you want to play this one on repeat, so…
Listen to this song on your car radio every hour on the hour as you eat some grocery store-bought salad and wonder what you did to make Tay hate you. Just put your album on Spotify, girl. It’s the Netflix of music.
5“First” By Cold War Kids
In LA, there’s a radio station that plays what I like to call “fading from relevance pop songs.” But for some reason, they’re really into this 2015 song by the Cold War Kids, which has totally become my jam one year too late. This is what happens when you’re in your 30s.
Pair it with cacio e pepe, because it’s a dish that’s also an old favorite making a comeback.
6“Never Be Like You” By Flume featuring Kai
This EDM mainstream pop song has two glorious sides: Admitting you’ve done wrong, but also the so-called “hurt” person is a shitty asshole who needs to check themselves. Naturally, they won’t, because they’re too busy blaming you for the sky being blue and the trees being green. You can’t win with those people, thus “Never Be Like You” and GTFO, pronto.
Pair it with some spaghetti squash you roasted in the oven and take out your aggression by pulling out those strands.
7“Make Me Like You” By Gwen Stefani
Are you tired of wall-to-wall Blake & Gwen coverage? TOO BAD! Here’s a song that personifies it all. Last year, Stefani also released her “fuck you, Gavin Rossdale” song, aka “Used to Love You” to okay response, but the Blake song is doing way better. Is it because the music video takes place at a bar called “Blake’s”? And it’s so very obviously about Blake? I’m not complaining; sometimes it’s nice to have a confection-y love song in mainstream pop culture that isn’t telling their ex to fuck off.
Pair it with one of those cotton candy surrounded ice cream sundaes, because it’s a just confection as sickeningly sweet.
8“Close” By Tova Lo & Nick Jonas
Who knew Nick Jonas would be the Jonas brother to reemerge as a pop heartthrob? Who figured the Jonas Brothers would be back in any form, including Joe’s DNCE? Nick just released this sexy duet with Tove Lo, which deals with that good ol’ relationship excuse: “I need space.” The song chorus calls bullshit on it, stating what we’re all thinking: “Space is just word made up by someone who’s afraid to get close.” Burn.
Space also means “I like you in public, but not enough to put up with your raging bullshit in private, darling.” Like this Reductress guy! Remember: Real men have real discussions about space and time, not subtweets, silent treatment, and pouts.
Pair this song with a real fancy romantic dinner with a real man who has a real job, and real communication skills. No subtweets allowed.
9“Pillow Talk” By ZAYN
Speaking out pouts, now that One Direction is on a break or broken up, I’ve realized I never fully appreciated them for the pure pop pleasure they truly were at the height of their fame. But Zayn’s like, “eff you guys, here’s my pouty song about my feelings for hot chicks.” And just like his break up with 1D, Zayn’s feelings are complicated.
Pair it with a dish with edible flowers and ingredients you can’t pronounce.
10“7 Years” By Luke Graham
Man, this song is about how quickly life passes you by and it’s depressing af. It also seems to skip the 30s, 40s, and 50s, so I guess those decades of life don’t matter? Well, that just sucks.
Pair it with Metamusil or Ensure, because according to this song, you’re going straight to your 60s.